August 27th'26
It's R's birthday... I hope I won't message him this time... I just some of sooo happy pictures of them... It threw me into a panic attack. The only thing I felt was the numbing pain of emptiness and heartbeat faster than a sprint. As if it was just before finish line... I've been exhausted. Haven't slept since the eclipse. Crying all over again. Having nightmares all over again. xxxxx You know, I miss the times when I used to laugh with my whole heart and soul... when I u
Aug 271 min read
August 19th'26
This past week was just... all over the place.. I had another panic attack ++ with complete uncontrollable crying and fear attacks.. I drunk half bottle of wine and got completely waisted... and wrote some ugly stuff to my ex... and blocked him... and fell asleep after 4times the dose of sleeping pills... Next day... I wished I was dead... and then my landlord wrote me a message telling me that he needs my place starting winter... and some old bills came... and reminders of
Aug 191 min read
Prologue
Sometimes End of September 2024 Sitting in the shower with a knife in my hands… I don’t want to mess the place with my blood. I’m at peace. I made my decision. There is nothing left for me. I can’t live anymore… There is only one thing to do… My demons...
Aug 121 min read
August 4th'26 Feels like FOREVER
It feels like forever since I wrote here. It's been a challenging winter season and the transition to a new job and back to Zermatt... I thought I could deal with that... Let me start all over again.. Winter was challenging and sort of soothing. I went back to Whistler. I used to live in Whistler. I have a lot of friends there; many of them I consider a family. They knew me for a long time. They reminded me who I really am deep down. I'm a fighter. I'm a leader. I inspire.
Aug 42 min read
March 8th'26 Women's Day
Hey you, I haven't been posting at all.. I've been struggling. Not the way I struggled for last two and half years. And now, on the top of everything, I'm struggling with the idea of going back. One part of me wants to go back, I have friends there and I felt home there... but what if my hell lives there too? What if I'll just fall back into the deep darkness? On one hand, I need to get out of here. I planned a big mountaineering trip after and that is not going to happen.
Mar 91 min read
February 22nd'26
Hey you, How have you been holding on? Can I be honest here? I don't think about my death anymore. I don't dream about not waking up anymore. I still cry when I run... and still have dark moments. ... but, I'm surrounded by my close friends and people who sincerely see the good in me and keep showing me that I'm loved and cared for. That, If I wanna stay here, I can... It feels great... The other day, I had a glass of wine (or two...) at my friend's place and I ran into an
Feb 231 min read
February 2nd'26 Deja vu
I've been postponing writing. I've been up and down for a few weeks. xxx How are you holding on? Are you working on your daily routines? Are you being kinder to yourself? You know, I feel a bit better... since I'm on the other side of the world surrounded by people who love me and believe in me. I still cry... I still don't heal... I just exist.. and train.. What about you? xxxx Yesterday, I decided I have to train harder and work harder to achieve my climbing, mountain
Feb 31 min read
