October 12h'25

Hey you..

I've been really struggling these last few weeks... I've been overwhelmed all the time. I couldn't sleep for more than a few hours a night.

I've made a decision that I haven't fully accepted myself yet. Have you ever been there? Ive started to clear out my place, Had my brother to pick up a lot of my stuff and store for me.

I'm slowly moving out of this place. I have to. It was my home base for last 8 years and I wasn't planning on leaving. But... I have to. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy. ...

I've already planned my winter and now, I'm planning a big mountaineering trip after that. And for next summer I'm lost. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Why?

I've been writing and not writing this blog and I've been writing my journal. One thing I've noticed, I've been writing just my deep pain and panic attacks, the anger I feel... The emptiness...

I took today to just paint. It gave me a sense of purpose. And I wrote Today

s To-Do list and I'm intending to hold on to it... so far so good. I wrote down to write a story in my Blog, so here it is...

I've been struggling with grief and broken heart and the depression that came with it. I've written a thousands times about it... it still feels like an open wound.

I just realized I didn't write more than a few sentences that would make sense to me. Do you feel like that? Do you feel like your brain has 1000s of windows open, all of them running at a full speed and each has some catastrophe on. That's me for a while now... That's the reason I'm leaving this place, for now, only for this winter, but deep inside I have a feeling I won't be coming back... and it's breaking the dust of my heart...

xxxx

I just had almost 2 weeks off. It was a bit all over and it was everything but relaxing. The only time I wasn't having a panic attack was when I went to Symbolic cemetery in my home mountains to remember the people I lost.. Those people who saw my potential, who helped me when I needed them, who were here for me even when I didn't know... It was raining and nobody was around. just me and my thoughts...

I hope you are doing a bit better than me... and I wish you well. Keep going... One day at a time...

xxxxx