Mothers' Day and my mom's birthday

Mothers' Day and my mom's birthday was many years on the same day or really close. I never really talked about my mom since she passed away. Every year I drink coffee from a special coffee cup on this day. We had collection of six (I broke one 2 years ago). It was in our apartment behind glass and was used only on special occasions. Today is a special occasion. It's my mom's birthday.

Happy heavenly birthday, mom.

I wish I could tell you we are celebrating today. My mom passed away a few years ago. So, it's just me drinking coffee with a quiet memory of her.

xxxxx

I've lost a few close people over the last few years. It's exhausting to be always grieving. It's exhausting to pretend you are ok with that. It's exhausting learning to live with the loss.

I read somewhere: "You never really heal from loosing somebody I loved. You just learn to live with it."

When I lost my mom, I was just a few months here. I didn't really know anyone well enough to talk about my loss. I talked to my two closest friends, Esta and Wayne. Well, I didn't really talk. I didn't know what to say. It was first shocking and then the grief coming like a huge wave drowning me.

When Wayne passed away two years ago, it was different. First, I couldn't believe it. I lived in denial for a few weeks, maybe even months. The Grief would take over randomly. I would just sit down and cry when skiing, even though I didn't have any apparent reason. I was struggling to recognize what I was feeling. I was struggling to talk about it. I tried to talk to R about it. He kept shutting me down. I didn't want to bother him that. I learned as a kid to deal with my problems on my own.

When I think about the people I lost and the grief, each time it was different. With some of them, I just felt a quiet sadness and appreciation for having them in my life. With some others, it was a crying desperation. With others it was first confusion... Each grieving was different, each took different amount of time. And some of them I just pushed away.

You might be wondering why I'm writing about this. Honestly, I just want to tell you that no matter how you feel, it's ok. It's you. You don't have to fit into one of the boxes other people expect you to fit in.

You are doing great. No matter how slow, how confusing, how depressing it feels. YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST!!!