May 31st'24 7am

Have you thought: “Today I’m gonna have a great day!” any of these days? Are you now staring at me with a WTF sign in your face? 

I know… I know… I caught you off guard… As I’m retyping this I have a WTF sign on my face too… (and as I'm posting once again..)

Let’s get back to our small routines. 

I was doing great on those routines. I was writing and writing. I’ve already started creating my blog. (I’ve wanted to write a blog for at least 5 years.) 

… and then yesterday afternoon… running errands… I ran into R… he smiled at me… and I cried the rest of the day. I even cried on my evening run… cried and screamed… and collapsed again… 

Instead of dinner I poured my self a glass of Aussie Shiraz… and cried some more. I wished I could talk to Wayne… to hear his voice… to be told… anything he would tell me to comfort me… (Wayne was my best friend and mentor who passed suddenly last year.)

I wrote R a message…

I woke up around 1 am… and my thoughts were racing through my head until morning… I’m exhausted…. 

xxxxx

For today I decided for my lunch break:

• I wanna finish setting up my blog

• I will have to paint ( I don’t have time right now)

… and in the evening 

• bike and climb

• read

xxxxx

What are your goals for today? Set 3 goals - important to you.

If you are felling rally low, even putting something like go to work or getting out of bed, is ok. And, if you are feeling extra low, write 2 things on your To-Do list, something you would do anyway like cleaning your kitchen, taking shower and wash your hair, or making your bed… or just "cry myself to sleep" (i've done that before)

I found out in my lowest days, that checking off those 2 or 3 things on my To-Do list made me feel like I accomplished something and it made me feel a bit normal.

These days, I’m putting 6 or 7 things on my To-Do list including morning and evening routine. I’m learning to ignore the voices in my head telling me to stay in bed, watch more random series on Tv, or scroll through social media just to push away my feelings and emotions. I’m learning to deal with them instead. 

Thanks to my best friend Esta, I feel a bit more like it’s ok what I’m going through. She is one of the few not trying to judge me… not rushing me through this. She knows I’ve been through hell and back on “one too many trips.” I guess she believes I’ll eventually shake this off and come back much stronger than ever.

Let me tell you about Esta. She’s been here for me through pretty much every hell since 2011:

• my dad passing after a long illness 

• stressful exams week after my dad’s passing

• my friend and mentor passing in ski accident few years back

• stress with my business partner and in the end me leaving broke and broken

• mu mom passing in a car accident

• my other best friend and mentor Wayne (and my father figure) passing

• Man I fell in love with after 7 years being on my own leaving me during one of the weakest times of my life without explanation, with just an excuse

• me pushing everybody away (I can be very cruel when I’m broken and didn’t want to hurt anybody… I was rather hurting myself.)

• shut-ing down my own business that just started to do well… How could I coach someone else if I wasn’t able to get myself to do anything…. 

See, all these events and the feelings coming with them I never took time to figure them out and work through. When they (feelings and emotions) all exploded, all at once last year, combined with all the traumas (we all have few) and nightmares…  I had no chance… I fell into deep depressions and have been spinning in self loathing, broken heart and destroyed soul, no self-confidence, wishing to die, not being able to move for weeks and months.

I felt old, ugly, mean, useless, horrible person who doesn’t deserve to live… 

... and Esta was here for me the entire time...

xxxxxx

I’ve been writing about my feelings all those nights I couldn’t sleep. I was writing things I’d never let anybody read. If you’re trying to hack my computer, it’s not in there. It’s in a notebook..

xxxxxx

Let’s move to the next step. If you are not ready, take your notebook and write instead - anything that comes into your mind.

• Plan a walk/run through your neighbourhood - 30 min. Take your notebook with you. Take your  music with you… or just walk. Try to look around. If that’s too much for now, just walk or run.

• Plan this routine 3-4 times every week. Try not to think too much about all the reasons why or why not. Just go.

xxxx

When I started to run in the evenings years back, it was a reward for finishing my To-Do list. After my mom passed away, I used running to think about her. I would “have a chat with her.” She would love it.

Since last year, I've used running to cry. I would put it on my To-Do list as “run and cry.” Now, I’m trying not to cry. It doesn’t always work. I cried and screamed yesterday evening…

Give it a try. And then write what came to your mind, anything and everything. It’s doesn't have to make sense to anyone, not even to you. It’s just one way to let some thoughts go. It’s just for you.

xxxx

I just reread what I wrote last year one more time.. I just came back from my morning run. I have a race coming up this Saturday and I hurt my knee sometime last week. I was checking if I can run... and I cried almost all the run.. (August 21st'25)

August 21st'25