May 30th'24 6am Zermatt

As I’m writing this book, my mind is all over. (… and as I’m typing it, it’s even worse).

My main ideas are (were) love, falling into depression and mountains.

  As I wrote earlier, I‘m a loner. I used to say a lone wolf… (I don’t say that anymore)

For a year I was fighting the trauma that I don't deserve to be loved. There were many reasons for me to believe it. When I finally started to love myself and be happy with who I was…. and life started to look good again… I met R… I fell in love love too quickly…. “You were all I needed… I knew it very early on…”

About month later, my best friend and mentor suddenly died. It threw me into a deep grief… and all my insecurities were back…

xxxxxxx

  “I needed you… I was moody and I couldn’t explain why. I realized how much I needed you… I was insecure, sad and scared… scared of loosing you… You left. You left without an explanation… only with an excuse… After loosing my best friend and mentor, loosing you was the hell I've never thought I would have to go through....

It broke me. You left me at one of the weakest times of my life with only an excuse… All my healed traumas and nightmares were back…

Last summer I was on merge of total madness. I wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Instead I couldn’t even fall asleep. I wished I’ve never met you. I wished I’ve never existed. I wished I could die… and I was hiding all this behind a weak smile.

I’ve always loved mountains as you know. Last summer I could barely make it out of the house.

In fall, when we talked again… I felt so relieved, that I could tell you about me…. about my soft soul… about being hurt… about how I felt about you… (I’m crying as I’m writing this… and I’m crying as I’m typing this… my heart bleeding as badly as the day you left)

You made me believe, we could start all over again… and then you left… again…. I died once more…

When I saw you a few months later… with her… I fell into the madness again… 

Was anything you ever told me real? Was I just a toy to pass time?

I told you at the beginning I was alone for a long time. I told you, I was not easy going. Did you run away because you realized it was true? Did you run away because I needed “me time?” Did you run away because I wasn't good enough?… 

After almost a year I might look like it’s all healing and getting better… on the outside… But my heart is still bleeding… my soul is still broken beyond repair. 

The only thing I have left are mountains… I still have the tears to cry myself to sleep… and then wake up in the middle of the night and keep crying until morning. 

I decided to train again, to go to the mountains again… and to write this book… and I started painting… 

My first drawing... us...

xxxxxx

You know all the books and life coaches telling you to lift yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going?…. blah… blah… blah…. 

Clearly, they’ve never been in deep depressions, grieving and not knowing how to talk about your feelings. It’s a deadly combination. It’s an uphill battle. Most days you feel like you’re dying and nobody can help you. Like there is no oxygen in the air. Like you are drowning in all your feelings. 

It feels like there is no coming back.

xxxxx

I’ve been meditating for years, using this one application. It has meditations for grieving and depressions. First, I couldn’t listen to it at all. After almost a year I started trying breathing exercises to calm down my panic attacks. Some days it works, some days not so much.

I’m learning that my anger outbursts are “just a scared little girl inside me crying for help” and I’m trying to listen to her.

xxxxxxx

I made plans for this summer, plans that scare me a bit. 2 days ago, I checked off the first plan: 

Castor, Pollux solo skimo.

It was after another snowstorm. I headed out into the glacier towards Pollux and Castor. Knowing there huge crevasses and I’m on my own. If I fall into one of them, I might die. 

I released a small avalanche and went with it. I got out… and carried on. As I was approaching Schwarztor, avalanches started to release on their own… I adjusted my plan… Snow was cold and light. I heard the top layer cracking as I moved on it… 

If you know, what I’m talking about, you know I was putting myself into a serious danger. I knew it… but I didn’t feel anything… That’s what depression does to you… I  didn’t feel anything. I wasn't scared. I turned around on Klein Pollux. I came home and cried… 

As I’m writing this I’m planing my next tour:

Spagetti Tour+ Dufourspitze

Day 1: cross Castor and Liskamm to Bivacco Giordano

Day 2: Piramide de Vincent, Corno Nero, Ludwigs Hohe, Parrot Spitze and Signal Kuppe with Campagna Margherita

Day 3: Dufourspitze and Monte Rosa hut

Day 1 has at least 2 exposed ridges where one wrong move can end in me falling off the peak 1000 vertical meters into my certain death. Let’s not think about that.

Day 2 is mostly moving in high elevation on a glacier with snow covered crevasses deeper than you can imagine.

Day 3 in 4000m elevation with lack of food and liquids.. and sleep. First, I need to cross a farrow ridge between Zumsteigspitze and Dunan/Dufaourspitze. Then climb the last 200 vertical meters and then get down to Monte Rosa hut and not to fall into any of the crevasses.

I need to do this…. for me… 

xxxxxx