May 29th'24 6am Zermatt

I did a little ski tour yesterday. I released a small snow avalanche and fell with it.

It’s a dangerous situation if you are on your own on a glacier. The snow can push you into a crevasse and burry you in it.

xxxxx 

I learned that if I want to stop my thoughts I have to do something challenging, maybe even dangerous… something where every small mistake can have a huge consequences. 

xxxxx

The day was as perfect as it could be: sunshine, fresh snow and nobody around…

... Now, I just reread what I wrote and thought for myself: “that almost sounded like I saw the colours.. I didn’t... I still see everything covered in grey… Still don’t smile, even when I’m on my own in my favourite surroundings. It all still feels far away… in a different universe.

Do you still have this feeling too?

And you know what I hate most about it? When people around me are telling me to cheer up… to be more positive… “it’s about mental approach…” … blah, blah, blah… 

Trust me people… I used to be happy… I used to fight… Everything I’ve ever got in my life, I fought for… and was proud of myself. I could lead an army into any battle because I knew I could handle anything… Because I handled anything before… 

… at least that's what I thought. Since last June (June 2023) I struggle with even believing that I’m a good skier…. 

xxxxx

I struggle with my own discipline… and that was never a problem for me.

I shut down my business because I couldn’t coach even myself… nevermind others. 

All I could do was to suffer. My heart and soul were shuttered and so was my self-esteem and confidence. 

The man, I needed, left with an excuse when I needed him like I’ve never needed anyone before. I begged him to stay... I explained who I was deep down. I shared things I’ve never said to anyone… NOTHING… 

My best friend and mentor passed away few months before… I grieved for him… I needed to talk about him… I needed to grieve for my mom…

I fell into sleepless nights… stomach issues… panic attacks… depressions… I was thinking about suicide. I knew, this time I’m broken beyond repair…

A year later…. I know I’m broken beyond repair… I still fall into panic attacks and depressions… I still cry… I still cannot sleep or eat… I’m not thinking about suicide anymore… just a random death… 

I’m setting goals and working to fulfill them. One of these goals was to write a book. So now, I’m writing this because I needed to read it when I was at my lowest. I needed an honest book about depression and what it feels like. NOT some “make yourself feel better’ kind of BULLSHIT. 

I want to tell you it’s ok not to feel better after while. It’s ok to feel down. It’s ok to be you… You know, I’m learning more and more about what does it mean to be more sensitive and empathetic… there are books and authors who talk about it as a good thing…. I thought so before… 

Now, I know, it sucks… You understand other people before they understand themselves. You pick up every little feeling and detail about them and it affects your entire being…. When they are happy you fall for them even more than you wanted. When they are mean to you, you get confused. You don’t understand why. You don’t want to see that they want you out of their life.

You feel used and abused it the end.

All the good tips on how to survive your sensitivity and empathy failed… in my case… I shut down… I died inside… too many times by now…

I’d rather push people away… I’ve done it for many years. Very few people know who I really am… In fact only two my closest friends… and R… He knows things about me that even my closest friends don't know…

Don’t take me wrong. I have my closed group of friends and I deeply care for them… I just don’t want to bother them with my demons…

xxxxxx

How are you feeling today? Is it one the good days? or not so much? Are you trying your best to be kind? Or are you mean to yourself and to everybody around you? 

No matter, what day you’re having… I get it… trust me… 

You know what I used to do? I used to hide all the anxiety, anger, pain… Sarcasm… It was easy. I just pushed the uncomfortable feelings away and belittled them with bad jokes. 

The problem with sarcasm is, you forget about those feelings for a while and you start being only sarcastic. People around you might think you are funny, when, in fact, you are suffering and don’t know how to explain it. You forgot how to deal with those emotions… 

...or, just like me, you have never learned ho to deal with them…. that’s why I need so much alone time… that’s why I try to stay away from sarcasm. I'm learning to write about my feelings instead.

xxxxxx

I’m not “kennst du eine, kennst du alle.” I have feelings deeper that I want. Some days I wish I didn’t… maybe one day...

xxxxx

Dear R

I’m looking at the pictures you took of us. I remember being so happy I couldn’t believe it… Now, I jut feel emptiness, darkness and pain... NOTHING… 

Love you… Always…

xxxxxx

Let’s get on with the day… Write the To-Do list and start checking things of that list. You can do It! I believe in you!!! 

xxxxx