May 27th’24 almost 10am Zermatt

It’s Monday… and my day off… I  talked to my best friend yesterday… I cried to her and opened up about my depression. It was the first time I ever talked to anybody about that.

Her kind words were like rain to my fiery anger in my soul…. they were healing my insides…. I felt like a huge weight lifting of my heart…. I smiled for the first time in almost a year….

xxxxxx

Dearest Esta

I cannot even describe how much you mean to me….  Your voice sounded to me like… heaven... I didn’t even have words to describe the relief I felt with your words…

I cried my soul out to you… Even, as I’m writing these words tears of relief are running down my face. I’m so grateful for you!!!! You were here for me every time I needed you…. 

  Love you…. 

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Hey you

Sorry if this book feels like a random collection… It is… Just like living with depression is… You have good days and you have bad days… 

         Some days you think you are good and ready to move on…. Some days you are scrolling through your phone for hours watching happy videos that are throwing you deeper into the darkness….

What day is today for you? The “good one” or “just back into the darkness one”?

Why don’t you sit down and write for a few minutes about it? I do that… I have another notebook to write the darkest moments, the anger I feel some days, the quiet screams of madness… When I finish it, I’ll read it and share some of those moments with you… just not now…

xxxxxxx

NOW, we are getting to talk about ideas how to get one step closer to the mystical light everybody has been talking about…. 

In November last year when things got way worse again I bought a bike and started to bike to next village to go to the boulder gym… (I’m a climber) I would go late. It was cold outside, dark and icy… It felt liberating… I felt the same way…. and climbing is one of the activities you have to fully focus on… 

On the way back, I would cry letting go of all the thoughts I pushed aside for a long time. After that I could sleep for a few hours… That was better than running.

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Running….

I used to hate running at school… In my late 20ties/early 30ties I fell in love with ultra trail running… I would run the whole day... coming home tired, dirty, with blisters on my feet…

… and happy… 

After my mom died I started to use my runs as emotional support. It was less about running, more about crying and letting the grief emerge.

… and since last June (2023) I completely lost it. Running became my coping mechanism: crying and collapsing during my runs became regular… after June 7th 2023… 

What happened that particular day? R asked me to go for a run with me… (I don’t like running with people… I’m a loner) … I agreed.. I wanted to talk to him about us. I wanted to tell him I fell in love with him…. 

I didn’t get the chance…. He left me on that run… no explanations… just an excuse…. He triggered each and every trauma I ever fought… from abandonment issues to having to deserve love… to being broken beyond repair…. all my nightmares were back…

I collapsed... I didn't sleep for about a week at all… I didn’t eat for about the same time… Then I collapsed again… and then many more times that summer…. 

… in October the same year, R came along for another 2 of my runs… We talked about us. I opened up about who I’m deep inside and what I lived through… I told him things I’ve never said to anybody… and never will… 

… on the second run… he told me: “I can’t fall in love with you anymore…. blah… blah… blah….” I didn’t hear anything else… I was already suffering from depression and panic attacks.. and the only person I really opened up to in years just told me I’m not lovable… He turned my runs into my worst nightmares… 

I was back in the darkness… and he left for the adventure of his lifetime… 

My dark thoughts June'25

I’m telling you all this because I want you to know, I understand how you feel… I wish I could physically lift the pain and the darkness of your shoulders and throw it so far away so nobody would ever find it…. I wish I could…. 

Instead, we can try to make today a little bit more bearable… maybe even liveable… 

Do you have an idea what would make you push those dark thoughts away for a few moments… or hurt…??? 

Let’s find a time today to do it! Set an alarm clock for the start and set an alarm clock to finish… I will help you to stay focused on your activity. 

I set the alarm when I write and paint. With all honesty, some days it is very hard to write for the set time of one hour and some other days, I need more time… 

Give it a try… You can do it!!!!!!

xxxxxx