May 26th'24 6am Sunday Zermatt

Hey You…

How did it go with your To-Do’s yesterday?

It didn't go so well for me… I didn’t  go climbing and I didn't read… I was beating myself up for that… and I still am… Depression has been hitting me hard yesterday.

Even the meditation about depression isn’t working anymore… It feels impossible to get out of bed again…

Picture of my dark thoughts

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I need to get out of here… I need to help people… I need to create a group around me that will inspire me, motivate me, hold me accountable and support me. I need to hold on to my schedule! I need to stop thinking… I need to paint more… I need to learn how to paint details I want to add to my paintings… I need to focus on me! I need to feel helpful and appreciated again…. 

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Dark thoughts are circulating in my head like crows… picking every dark piece up and turning it into trauma and nightmare…

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Dear R…

I saw you yesterday… You were coming back from your flight… I saw only your back… You walked happy …. I wished I was the reason… 

I’m so mad at you at times…. Why? I told you who I was… Why did you have to destroy me?

You wanted to stay friends… 

... but you weren’t here when I needed you… You decided to leave and you didn’t care about me… about how it is going to destroy me… You just ran off with an excuse and hoped it’s ok? Did you hope I’ll deal with it like “kennst du eine, kennst du alle” would? … and then what? Were we suppose to hang out? Sure, I could have played nice and hoped to gain your affections by playing half stupid and half useless… Well.. I told you, I don’t play games.. This is who I am…. 

You ended up criticizing everything about me… Why would you want to stay friends with somebody you hate everything about?

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I am sorry. I got distracted by my own thoughts… again… 

I’m working really hard on this two new habits:

1) taking an hour every morning to write. It started as this book on May 13th’24. Today it has been 2 weeks of continuous writing. The old me would be proud of me… 

2) every morning outdoor - biking, running, walking - this one is not working well… 

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How about you? What have you added to your routine? 

I also have one new thing on my weekly To-Do list:

• Plan all days outside of the work to do something , to work on something.

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Ok, let’s take a step back. I have a weekly planner. It’s a list of chores, daily routines and things I have to deal with each week. For example, this week, I had to prepare my upcoming trip to Barcelona, pay monthly bills (I don’t put them on automatic payments) and check how to draw a wolf. 

Here is my daily routines and building habits planner for last week:

If you are starting with your own weekly routine and new habits plan, try not to put everything on 7x week… It’s very frustrating at the end of the week when it doesn’t work out as you planned. And we already have enough to beat ourselves up with and for…

When I’m coaching somebody else, I would put in a few motivating words and adjust the new habit tracker a bit….

… but… me coaching me is a whole different story… I can be so mean to me. I would say things to me I would NEVER say to anybody else… EVER!!!!!! 

Let’s work on the next week habit tracker:

Pictures of my planner and Habit tracker are the one form each day I’m writing this….

Let’s follow up with these…

… and we will get back to it next week.

Next thing we are missing, is to describe what does it mean:

• morning routine: a) 30min work out+meditation

       b) 15min easy work out with meditation

• evening routine : a) 10min Pilates+10min meditation + 30min reading+10min journaling

        b) 10min Pilates+meditation + 10min journaling+maybe 10min reading

• daily outdoor: a) running

   b) bike and climb (or climb)

   c) in winter skim or ski or skate

• deep work: a) writing Blog

           b) drawing - learning

           c) learning Italian or French

• Days off: a) plan full day

                   b) what if plan a) doesn't work

… and now put this down and do something on your today’s To-Do list…

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Great job! I’m proud of you!!!!!

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I struggle some days a lot. I know that outdoors is really good for me. I also know that running releases all my demons and pain…. and I cry a lot…. so… some days I struggle very hard with this contradiction… These are the days I don’t go outside….

I’m telling you this, so you understand that we all struggle with certain things and activities. If you are still in early stages of your darkness, try activities that don’t allow a lot of thinking… (it’s easier said than done…)

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