May 25th'24 6am Saturday Zermatt

Hey you…

How was your day yesterday? I know, I said earlier, I hate this question. Why? Cause person asking usually doesn’t give a shit about your honest answer. 

Here is my honest answer: I couldn't sleep 2 nights in row. I’m having panic and anger attacks… I was so irritable all day I couldn’t stand myself. The work was slow and my brain was spinning in overreactions to everything…. I wanted to cry… I wanted to break something… I wanted to run away… I wanted to die… I came home and instead of going for a run to calm myself down I poured myself a glass of wine… I spent the evening just wasting time and overthinking and crying… and then I was just lying in my bed and couldn't fall asleep… just overthinking and crying some more… and this morning I didn’t want to get up… I’m back in my depressions.. in my own hell of overthinking… 

If you asked me in person I would never say this out loud…. In fact, I wouldn't answer that question at all…  

You see,  I’ve always loved writing, journaling or just scribbling. I started this journal as a book and I’m trying to visualize how it is going to feel when YOU ARE HOLDING it in your hands. How it is going to feel knowing, I’m having this conversation with you… and now, I’m scared, that I will never tell anyone I’ve been writing this and all this will die with me… 

I’m trying to distract myself from the negative overthinking… I needed to write my To-Do list… here it is:

morning routine  ✔︎

morning writing  1h ✔︎

morning work - lI have a To-Do list at work ✔︎

lunch - pasta ✔︎

aft work ✔︎

eve bike and climb

eve routine ✔︎

eve reading 30min

xxxxxx

Are you asking why I wrote lunch - pasta on my To-Do list? Well, I don’t feel like eating when I’m down… and then I end up fainting and feeling weak and ugly and make excuses for why I don’t go for a run or bike and climb and I pour myself a glass of wine instead… and I end up hating myself and being really mean to myself… When it’s on the To-Do list, I feel good about checking it as done and then I have a bit more energy… 

It doesn’t always work but I’m working on it… 

xxxxxx

Dear R…

I wish I could curl up in your arms… 

… well, you never really let me… You decided early on to let go of me… I just ignored it. I thought you needed space and time to adjust… like I needed it…

How could I be so stupid? I believed you cared… maybe once or twice you did… 

You know, I still would like to know why did you wait until I fell in love with you? And was it easy to kill your feelings for me? 

You know, I needed to talk to you about loosing Wayne… I needed to grieve for him… and I chose to grieve with you… In the end you just kept pushing me away… 

It’s been almost a year since I’ve been spinning in deep depressions and panic attacks because you left the way you left… 

I never needed anybody the way I needed you last year…. I told you who I’m… I told you how deeply you hurt me… 

You said: “We should have started differently….”

I felt like I messed up everything…. I hoped, you understood, I wasn't playing with you.. I hoped you could see my scared heart below the mess… I hoped you could see I chose you… I hoped you could see my scared soul falling in love with yours…. I hoped you understood my insecurities… 

Instead, you left the way you hurt me like nobody before… in the end, you criticized everything about me from being a loner to the colours I was wearing… You left without an explanation… letting me believe I was unlovable… that I didn’t even deserve and explanation… an excuse was enough… 

Tears pouring down my face again…. There is much more I would like to write… but that’s between you and me… 

You know what is the worst part? I told you that I needed 10 years to get over the first man I loved… and I told you I didn’t let anyone close for another 7. I wanted to heal first. I had few affairs but each man showed me why I’m better off on my own… I started to believe I couldn’t love deeply anymore. That was then….

When I met you, I was happy on my own…. 

I climbed… I ice climbed… I skied and toured... and more...

I was proud of who I became… I knew I’m not “kennst du eine, kennst du alle…” … and finally, I was proud of it.

You broke it… You broke me… and I still don’t know why… What was wrong with me? I told you who I was very early on. I told you I’m stubborn and difficult. I told you I won’t play with your feelings. I told you you were special to me… 

I needed a lot of time on my own. I though you needed it too, since you were pushing me away… 

I begged you to give me a chance… to give us a chance… I begged you to stay like I never begged anyone for anything… I needed you like I never needed anyone… 

Love you… Always….

xxxxx

… I need to stop crying… I have to go to work…