May 24th'24 6am Zermatt

Dear R,

I feel so much rage! I’m so angry with you! You left with a fucking excuse! I told you who I’m. I told you how long did it take me to recover from a broken heart before… 

Behind all this anger, there is anxiety, fear and hurt. Behind all this anger is broken little girl who believed you when you said: “Wir schaffen es…” The anger is turning into that hurt, the pain that’s taking over everything… like a tsunami… leaving nothing behind… just broken pieces and mess.

xxxx

Hey you,

How are you dealing with today? Please, tell me… or write it down...

I hear you… Today is an endless of grey and you cannot wait for it to be over… I feel the same way...

Oh… it was a bit better than yesterday? What part of your day felt better? 

No? It felt worse... You lost all your hope al over again... I feel you... You won another battle with your demons....

I’m proud of you! You are doing a great job surviving!

xxxxx

I would like to chat about one more thing here…

I’m overly sensitive and empathetic person. The moment I let somebody closer I start picking up their moods and energy…. If it’s good, I’m doing great. I’m happy and I could save the entire universe… If it’s bad, I get 100 times worse. The worst is if that person starts to ignore me or attacks who I am, I get confused and emotional, my self-confidence just shutters.

I’m an extensive minor…

On the top of it I get self destructive physically and emotionally…

That’s why I would keep people in distance… I would numb my sensitivity with training… I would escape into the mountains… I would rather talk to chamois and ibexes than  to people. I used to talk to my dog… 

With Adon...

I would tell him my secrets.. he understood… I miss him…

xxxx

Now, I’m trying to escape back into the training and mountains….

I set few mountain goals to achieve this summer… solo… I still don’t feel any excitement or happiness… I might never feel happy again… I will just do one more step… 

xxxx

You know, when you just feel like you wanna give up? You don’t want to live anymore? I hear you! I’ve been there.

Is everybody telling you it’s gonna get better?… but you don’t see it coming? I feel you!!!

Let me just give you my hand. I won’t let go! No matter what!! I’m here for you!!! Let’s just take a deep breath… and another one…. and another one… and now, let’s just do one step… and one more… I’m proud of you!!!!

Wanna try another step? I’m here for you… 

xxxxxx

This is not a traditional self-help book… Part of this book is my story. I leave some parts out, the extra hurtful parts. I don't want you to read those. I don’t want you to experience the pain. I’m sure you have enough of your own… and I don’t want to go back there.

Part of this book is a self-help book… I’m sharing my experiences… some of them are good… some of them… not so much…

  Another parts of this book are letters for R… Maybe one day he will read them… Maybe one day he will understand… or maybe not…

xxxx

If I can inspire you a little bit, that’s enough for me. If I can motivate you a little bit, I’m proud of you. If you think, it’s just a junk… it’s ok… Leave the book behind and I wish you well… 

If you are still reading, let me share another story form my childhood…. 

I was going to school for the first time. It was a big day for me. I was excited. I wanted to learn to read, so I can read my mom the story I was telling you about earlier. I don’t remember, what I was wearing. I don’t remember my first school bag… I remember the fresh paint in the classroom. It was a new building added to an old school. 

And I remember the teacher, she was older, with glasses, she didn’t seem particularly happy to be there, she looked kind of scary… (I had better teachers later on). She was asking each of us what do we want to be when we grow up… “teacher, dentist, engineer, doctor…. “ I was last to answer…. “I want to be a mountaineer… or a princess.. “ ...and my parents, had teacher/parent conference the very next day…. 

xxxx

Dear R,

I felt like a princess with you for a very short time… I felt safe in your arms…

xxxx

I became more of a queen… Taking care of myself, whipping my own tears… There were few very special people helping me to do that…. Sasenka, to begin with… my brother… always… Esta and Chuck… Wayne…. Daniela… I didn’t let many people watch me cry…

.... and I became a mountaineer… maybe not a big one like Reinhold Messner or Wanda Rutkiewicz… but… 

I hope I get the chance to share few experiences with you here…

xxxxx

Right now, I’m training… it’s almost end of May and there is a lot of snow in the mountains around… 

Running certain trails throws me into a deep depression and panic attacks… and I cry more than I run…. I’m trying to avoid those when I train. I work on uphill pushes… 

I bought a bike in November last year. I biked to a climbing gym down in the valley and back all winter. It was cold and dark and because I went always late I was alone… in the gym and on the road. It felt right. It still feels right to be alone…

Climbing is the only activity, that doesn’t allow me to think… to overthink… It’s simple. It’s like a meditation … just better… The only scary thought is “Fuck… I’m going to fall…”

xxxx