May 22nd'24 6.45am Zermatt
- Lubka Weisenpacherova
- Jul 6
- 4 min read
Couldn’t sleep most of the night. I was thinking about the situation I’m in…
I’m broken beyond repair..
I’m writing a book about my depressions:
- what started them
- how am I reacting to them
- how can I solve them myself
- how can I help others
I’m writing about my own experience….
Some parts of this book might be very dark… Well, I wasn’t planning to write only a motivational book full of unicorns and candy… I wanted to explain… I needed to write to start… what?… Healing seems too big of a word… Maybe, when I’ll be rewriting this book it will feel more like that (healing)… and maybe not… It doesn't feel better.. it doesn't feel like healing.. I decided I don’t want to heal… cause I don’t want to forget… You might disagree… It’s my decision…
xxxx
Hey you…
How did it go with your TO-Dos and TA-DAs yesterday?
……
It didn't go too well for me…
I didn’t work on my project at all… I didn’t have the power to create.
I cleaned and did the laundry and cooked in a very long time… I hadn’t done any of it in a while…
I went for a run.. and was faster than expected.. and I stretched
I read for a while…
… and I felt like all my demons were following me everywhere…
I hope it’s ok. I tried not to be too harsh on myself for a change.
xxxx
I wanted to talk to you about my yesterday’s run… and almost every run for almost a year… I call them “run and cry” even though they’ve been more like “run and collapse and cry somewhere along the trail.” I’ve been using these run to let my thoughts spin and turn into dark emotions and… every one of these runs I died a bit more…
I used to run and laugh… I used to love running... and it showed in every move...
xxxxx
Now… I run and cry… and collapse… I let the darkness take over…
Why am I telling you this? It’s an idea for you to let the demons out… Try to go outside and take the demons for a walk or a run with you….
Some days it helps, some days it doesn’t…
… but it helps me sleep a little bit….
Give it a try…
xxxx
I’m proud of you! You made it through another day…
xxxx
I couldn’t sleep last night and I was thinking what I want to do now…
I want to get out of here for a while! (Do I, really?)
I want a rewarding job!I want to fell appreciated again!
I wand to run that project I put aside last year!
I want to laugh again… ok, maybe I start with a little bit of smiling...
I want to finish this book and let people read it so they can understand they are not alone!
… sounds pretty optimistic, doesn't it?
Well, I was up most of the night and the demons were giving me all the reasons to give up… why nothing will work….
Eventually… we (my demons and me) got tired and let the thoughts run in different direction.
xxxx
May 22nd’24 5.30pm back in Zermatt
I couldn’t write in the morning the whole hour… so, I’m writing now….
Dealing with depressions and panic attacks on your own is hard… It’s fucking impossible…
You wake up one day and you are sort of ok… and you wake up the next day and you are a mess again…
That’s how I feel today… I went for a ski tour… and cried most of the time… I couldn’t calm myself down….
xxxx
“I felt like a failure… and want to text you… to tell you how much I needed you…. how much I need you… I didn’t… You don’t care anyway…” for R
xxxx
1) I write everyday on a strict schedule so I don’t have too much time to think… to feel… to cry…
2) I have to physically exhaust myself out to get a few hours of sleep…
3) I started to paint… it forces me to focus on the colours… and pushes me to learn new things…
4) I meditate on depressions and grief and panic attacks.
5) I read about sensitive people and learn how to deal with my emotions….
… this all sounds like a great progress, doesn't it?
It doesn't feel like it… one day everything seems sort of ok… and then in the evening I cry myself to sleep… and the next day I’m a mess…
Please, don’t judge me too harsh…. You don’t know my whole story…
I’ve been coaching skiing most of my life. I’ve been teaching languages for over a decade… I was helping people to push through their limits…
… After my first big break up (we were skiing, mountaineering, travelling, working and living together for almost 5 years) I learned a hard way that I’m one of these oversensitive and overemotional people who overthink everything. It took me a long time to get over that man… I kept to myself for over a decade… I forgot how hurt I was… how much I suffered… how broken I felt… how low I fell....
This time I fell lower… I’m hurting more… I’m broken beyond repair… I’m learning to live with that…
xxx
I’m sure there 1000s of motivators and influencers who would love “to help me…” …to tell me I’m worthy of love… bla… bla… bla… Please, keep your motivational shit… I’m not interested…
I’m woking my own way… and I’m encouraging you to do the same…. You know what works for you best! And YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! I'm proud of you!!!!
xxxxx
Comments