May 20th'24 6am Monday

Hey you….

How is the morning routine shaping up? 

Have you found your routine yet? 

How is the writing going? Is it still difficult to start? 

I’m proud of you. You are a fighter!

xxxx

My thoughts

xxxx

I had a glass of wine last night while doing some preparation…. and then second… after almost no food in a week it hit me hard… and all those feelings and emotions… 

I cried and cried… I didn’t write… My feelings and emotions were like a hurricane. I couldn’t protect myself… the only repeating thought was: 

“Dear R… 

Last June, July… October I needed you like I never needed anybody in my life… It’s still torturing me… I needed to feel the safety of your arms… I needed to hear: "Wir schaffen es." once more... 

Once I told you I never felt so safe with anybody before you… I never felt so home in anybody’s arms like I felt in yours…”

It’s really hard to write today…. My head is spinning around "how I felt in your arms… “

xxxx

  I promised you my story… well… Let’s begin:

I always thought that for an average family from eastern block I was a happy child… I still tell few fun stories…

As an adult I realized, I never saw my parents talk or be kind and loving to each other… I was always a loner (dear R, it hurt me when you criticized me for that). I had one close friend all my childhood and we are still friends. I learned to keep to myself. I learned to deal with my problems on my own…

I fell in love in my twenties… I though he was the love of my life… We were lovers, best friends, partners. We hiked together, we climbed together, skied and toured together, we traveled together. I could imagine my entire life with him.

I would catch myself staring at him and imagining us when we are old. Sitting in old sofa chairs in front of a big fireplace… me knitting socks for him and still staring at him with all the love in the world. Thinking to myself: He is the most gorgeous and wonderful man in the entire world….

When he left… I died inside… It took me a very long time to live again… 

I blamed myself for years for loosing him. I did everything I could to punish myself. I didn't know it then. I was hurting myself emotionally, mentally and physically. After about 5 years I decided to heal first, to learn to love myself for who I'm first. that’s been a very long and difficult journey…

I left Slovakia for Canada and started a quite an exiting life of a ski instructor: winters in Whistler, BC, Canada… and winters in Valle Nevada, Chile… back to back… I travelled… I met new people… I tried to be social and outgoing, to fit in….

I met few people along the travels, with who I really connected. (I’ll write about them another time.) Many of these people saw my potential well before I did. People who believed in me more than I’ve ever believed in myself. 

I hope you have people like that in your life too. People who genuinely care for you. 

I kept to  myself mostly. I didn't want to be with anybody… maybe for a short while… and I’ve always picked somebody who would hurt me. My friend psychologist said: It’s a self-destructive behaviour. It’s when you believe you don’t deserve to be happy, to be loved… I could educate on that matter…

After few years I moved to Switzerland. I wanted a new beginning.

I lost my dad. I lost a close friend and mentor. I lost somebody I’d just started to open up to… Then I lost my mom… 

Grieving was never really a thing for me so I just showed it to all other unwanted feelings and emotions… “I’ll deal with that shit later… “

My first business went south when my business partner made it clear to me that it is his business… 

I started my own… 

Everything was starting to shape up… I was happy again… Stronger than ever… Being who I really am… Happy in my own skin… 

I met R… By that time I was so long on my own, I didn’t remember how did it feel to be with someone who cares… someone who can change you… someone who can brighten up already a bright day… 

I fell in love quicker that I could even imagine… I would stare at him thinking to myself: “I cannot believe I got this lucky..”… I felt the love and the warmth I forgot I could feel…(I cried when I was writing it… and I’m crying now as I’m typing it…)

I wanted to tell my best friend and mentor Wayne I fell in love. It was early March. I was supposed to talk to Wayne on Monday…

I was on a train to High Tatras, Slovakia to ski with my family. I traveled all night. I fell asleep for a moment… 

Missed calls from Michaela… I looked surprised at the phone. We were ski buddies in Whistler with Michaela but we never chatted on the phone… what is happening? I checked my email… Esta, my best friend wrote: “Dearest Lubka, Our Wayne passed away… Love you. Esta”

I couldn't comprehend the words… I was just staring out of the window completely confused… I don't know how long I was sitting like that… then I started to cry… I called Michaela… That was the reason she called… We were just quiet on the phone… There were no words to be said… 

That night I called R and told him what happened…

xxxx

If you ever lost somebody suddenly, you know what I’m trying to say… If not, I wish you will never have to experience that….

xxx

I closed up again… I didn’t know how to talk about grief… In fact, I didn't know how to feel.

xxxx

Dear R,

I didn’t know how to talk to you about my grief. I became insecure again… Waves of emotions passing through me… and I didn’t know how to tell you that… when I finally tried, you kept shutting me down… and I was becoming more and more insecure… 

xxxxx

I’m writing all this almost a year after my depressions started. The notes from that time are too dark… 

xxxx

If you ever skied with Wayne, you fell in love with skiing. His energy and his passion would make you fall in love with skiing. His jokes and stories would make you laugh. His genuine interest in you would make you feel like you matter, no matter how you felt seconds ago.

I'm proud to be called his best friend. He was my best friend, my mentor, my father figure. I really miss him.