May 19th'24 6am Sunday

I decided to write every morning for an hour for a month. The first week didn’t feel so bad. Yes, I didn’t always know where to start… sometimes, the hour felt very long… 

I start each of my writing with a sip of a coffee… People who know me would tell you that I love coffee… How weird it sounds now… I used to love coffee… I used to love life… Right now, I can just appreciate it: the darkness, the light bitter taste… The black cup with a golden structure…

I have a collection of coffee cups…. Each has a special meaning to me… Each reminds me of someone special in my life…

xxxxxx

Let’s get back to the story line.

“How are you?” I hate that question… I used to answer: Day after day better and better…” That was before… 

I read that in Norway the common answer is: “Up and not crying… “ I really like that…. I cried too much last year… (and I’m still crying)…

Here is an idea. How about instead of asking 'how are you?" I use this: “Tell me about your day.” I will listen to you as long as you need…

Are you feeling a bit better? a bit of the weight lifted from from your chest?

Yes? - Great! I’m happy it helped you with your burden a little bit…

No? - Did my question bring you to tears again? I understand that . I feel you. You are doing the best you can… Take your time. Healing takes time. Getting out of the darkness takes time. Getting to the top of the mountain takes time.

Meanwhile, If you can, ask your partner, close friend, somebody you trust to check on you and tell you: “Tell me about your day… “ and then be honest… 

xxx

If you are like me when everything goes wrong, you push people away…. 

Write!!!! Write the question down and write the answer… Write… Everyday…. 

Don’t let the dark thoughts push you of the cliff… You are an amazing being and life wouldn’t be the same without you!!!! 

I’m writing this because I needed to hear this about a year ago. I’m writing this handout a year ago.

xxx

I needed you about a your ago. I needed you to tell me: “you are an amazing being”… but you were quiet. I needed you to hold on to your: “Wir schaffen es…” (we are going to make it)… but you didn’t… it destroyed me beyond repair… 

xxxx

picture of my thoughts

xxxx

Honestly, I still fall into the dark hole… A little more stress affects my my sleep and my eating disorder. I just had a few stressful days last week… I collapsed… again… I didn’t sleep for 3 days and couldn’t eat for another 3…. 

I just got back to my morning routine. I went for my evening “run and cry” every afternoon, exhausting my body out to the maximum. By doing that, I will get some sleep eventually… maybe only for a couple of hours… and maybe I’ll be able to hold onto my food for a bit. 

I tried wine… I tried sleeping pills… I tried combination  of wine with sleeping pills … it was bad… very bad… 

If you know, you know… 

xxxx

I slept 2 nights in row, almost 6 hours straight… Normally I need 8 but I’ve been sleeping max 4 hours a night for almost a year… 

xxxx

How is your morning routine going? Are you still exercising? Can we add to it?

I’ve got a stationary bike last year. I was scared to leave my house even at night for a run… I was scared to meet R and collapse. 

Now, few times a week I bike while listening to a meditation app. (I cannot sit still and meditate now - sitting down to meditate feels like a start of Formula 1… The moment I sit won, my dark thoughts in pol position just take off racing at lightning speed…. so… I bike…

Let’s try it together _ sit down for 5 minutes a focus only on the breath… breathing in… breathing out…

I know… We tried it before and it didn't work… Let’s try again… I believe in you…