May 18th’24 6am

For R:

Two nights ago I kept dreaming about you… The song “I’d come for you” from Nickelback playing in my dreams over and over… 

Yesterday was another powder day.. I went up Breithorn with my friend Kathatina…. still having difficulties breathing in over 4000 m after the last flu I had 2 months ago… 

The day was beautiful…. well, I din’t feel it myself… I just saw Katharina perception of it. It was blue skies and cold and windy at the top. 

I met Katharina’s boyfriend. They look so happy… It made me sad and depressed.. I could barely hold my tears… “What have I done to you?”

I posted two pictures of social media and you saw them…. 

I wanted to have deep conversations with you… not just random small talk jokes about condoms… (that hurt.)

What did you expected in October? That I will be the happy woman you met in January… laughing and loving life… being happy in my own skin once again??? 

I went through a different part of hell just before… I told you that… I was proud of myself for how I recovered… 

In October i smiled for the first time since June 7th’23.. I smiled cause we were talking again… we were chatting again… you were sending me pictures again… And when we had those two big talks… I would give anything to do that again… 

What happened??? I don’t know… I will never know… I’m crying again as I’m writing these words… It’s the sadness and pain realizing that I will never open up like that again… It’s the cry for you…. 

xxxxx

I’m struggling to carry on writing… Memories of you and all “what ifs” are flying around in my head… 

xxxxxx

Hey you.. Yes, you, reading this...

How is it going with the notebook and pen? You haven’t started yet???? Let’s put this Notebook aside and take yours… and start writing… anything… date, time, To-Dos, Ta-Das, how you would describe yourself, swearwords… 

I’ll be here, when you finish, I promise.

........

Oh, You’re back… how did the writing go?

xxx

Let’s get back to our small morning routine:

Exercise :

• breathing in and out, stretching while standing

• few push ups against the kitchen table

• few lunges

• 
  

Few ideas:

• write

• start drawing

• go for a walk

• 
  

To-Do list:  3 things you need to do today (it can be only 1 thing):

1)

2)

3)

How about we add one more thing after the To-Do list?

I call it Get To-Do list. It’s something I get to do after I finished certain tasks on my To-Do list…. 

Example:

1) Get To-Do: Eve run in the dark.

xxxx

You know… I used to hate running… I ran track in high school but afterwards, I hated running. Last few years I used running to clear my head… I even ran few ultra trails… 

… and summer ’23 I called my runs RUN and CRY… I would start running and let my thoughts run freely… spin into panic attacks and desperation and anger… and… I collapsed somewhere along the trail and cried…

… after some time - it could be 10 minutes or it could be an hour - I would just lay on the ground and cry like I’ve never cried before - I would drag myself through the woods home… 

xxxx

I’m an introvert and need a lot of alone time… and because that is not enough… I’m very sensitive and empathetic person…

xxxx

Dear R,

I was mirroring your love… care… insecurities.. I was worried, when you were worried.. I was happy when you were happy… When you were proud of me when I finished the one pink route I was soooo proud of myself…. and when you smiled at me the way you only smiled at me… I was falling in love with you… 

 … and when you started criticizing everything about me, I was getting more and more insecure and confused… I was the same woman you met…. being a little bit insecure, wearing pink, climbing and skiing and mountaineering… and all I wanted was to do those things with you…

xxxx

Sorry, I got distracted by my own thoughts…. What’s on your GET To-Do list? It’s completely up to you…. It has to be something rewarding for you.. 

• cup of coffee after working for 2 hours undistracted? Sounds impossible? Let’s make it an hour.

• the new dress for summer you were dreaming about after loosing 10 pounds?

• evening walk in the park calming down another panic attack?

• anything else?

• 
  
• 
  

xxxx

I promised you my story… I’ll do it some other time… For now, I just want to expand on who I’m now… 

I’ve never seen an easy way out… I’m stubborn, I’m driven on levels few people can understand… I’m insecure… I was “trained” my entire childhood and adolescence to be a good girl… nice… obedient… quiet… to never raise my voice, play nicely with others…. 

I can see you nodding… You understand me… Thank you for that… It feels good to be understood…. 

I’m caring… There is nothing I wouldn't do for my loved ones… There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you, babe… And when I fall in love I love with my whole heart and soul, the old school "Heathcliff and Cathy" from Wuthering Heights kind of love...

"Great loves are not for everyone. They come with great pain." kind of love