June 8th'24 7am

Hey you,

I didn’t write for an hour yesterday… after seeing him…. I just couldn’t stop crying… again… Just by seeing him, all the wounds opened up again… 

He smiled at me… probably hoping i’ll return the smile… and we’ll be fine… I was in a complete panic mode and hid…. My friend Claudine picked up on my mood and I cried in her arms while he was watching… We were going for a little mountaineering trip. Taking the big gondola was part of it... and he was there too...

At the top I ran off.. It’s been exactly one year since he ran off with an excuse… On the way back I was horrified to see him again… 

I got home and started painting… I called it Broken Heart turning into a stone… 

I wanted to write afterwards but was panicking all over again… Tried to take a nap… I hadn’t slept in weeks again… and I only cried again… 

Later I decided to do the Via Ferrata I was running all last summer… Via Ferrata is kind of a fixed climbing route where you don't need ropes. You only need a climbing harness and via Ferrata set to secure yourself.

Last year it helped me not to think for a couple hours. I didn’t wear harness and safety gear. If I fell I might had died.

This was first time this summer and first time since I was there with him… As I’m retyping this, the falling and dying part sound like happy ending… (and as I'm posting it I still feel all the pain...)

xxxx

When I got home I tried to just exist… NO THINKING… and no more painting or writing… 

I slept most of the night - high altitude and climbing would do that for me. That and few weeks of vey little sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling just grey and cold, turning my heart into a stone… 

xxxx

Talking to Claudine helped me in some ways. She is the first person in Zermatt I told what I’ve been struggling with this past year. She might not have understood bur she offered help and was there for me… and that was more than enough.

Thank you, Claudine. Thank you for being the friend I needed then and there. It meant the world to me!!!!!

xxxxx

Last few days I was fighting with all the darkness, traumas and nightmares.

If you feel like that, I understand… 

Let’s start all over again: morning routine, let’s do it together. I woke up at 6am and did my work out and meditation.

I made myself a coffee and a tea and sat down for my one hour writing session. Now, we are in the second half. How do I know? I set an alarm for exactly 28 minutes. It gives me extra time if I need it. And if not, 2 times 28 minutes still count as one hour to me.

I haven't written my To-Do list yet. Let’s do it:

• do laundry (at least 4 loads)

• clean the kitchen AGAIN

• clean bathroom

• vacuum clean my place

• clean and spray my mountaineering boots

• plan next week

• plan trip to Barcelona and pack

• bike and climb evening

• start writing that BLOG

• eve routine

What will you put on your To-Do list today?

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• 
  
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• 
  

xxxxx

I haven’t written about my progress these last few days. It’s because it felt like no progress at all. I was falling back into the darkness. Do you feel like that sometimes? Yes?

Please, keep going. Keep doing the best you can, even if it’s only getting out of bed. Keep on living, even if it feels like your worst nightmare. 

As I’m writing this, I wish I had some kind of a motivational speech prepared for you. Something bright and shiny… I don’t. All I can tell you is:

”You are amazing as you are and you are doing great job by just being as you are!”

xxxxx

Before last year, every time “shit hit the fan” I used to tell myself: “If you are going through the hell, keep going!” It's from Wiston Churchil. My other favourite was: “If we cannot find a way, we’ll make one!” That one is from Hannibal when he was trying to cross the Alps with his army.

This past year, nothing was working. I bought a few motivational books (e.g. 100 essays and Goggins) But reading them was just throwing me deeper into darkness. I had to fight my nightmares alone. I had to find another way.

I’m writing this openly after one year of suffering from my depressions quietly. I learned at young age to deal with my dark feelings alone.

I know, you understand. Thank you for that. 

xxxxxx

For those of you who don’t understand:

YOU CANNOT PUSH SOMEONE WHO IS IN A DEEP DEPRESSION:

• to talk if they don’t feel comfortable talking. We need to figure out first what we feel for ourselves.

• to laugh or smile genuinely. It feels like “Mission impossible!” We don’t feel happiness. We just know we should be happy. And that knowing is just pushing us deeper into depression.

• to come out from our shelf. We just did and it destroyed us.

Remember that in any stage of our depression:

• we don't see and feel beauty around us. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and yet I can’t see or feel it.

• we don’t feel genuinely happy. We might put a happy face on for you. But we are gonna pay for it later.

• we don’t see colours. Everything is covered with grey.