June 7th'24 6am

Morning… Have you slept a little bit?

I’m pondering about my life all together these days. Yesterday, I watched few videos on painting techniques and painted for a few hours… just emerging myself into the painting. 

In the afternoon the demons took over and I wasted the rest of the day. 

Now, I’m trying to get everything ready for the day tour tomorrow. 

xxxx

For R

“I wanted to talk to you about us. I told you who I was at the very beginning. I told you I was difficult. I told you I was alone for a long time. After a month, I told you I cared for you.. otherwise I would be gone by then… 

… and I told you I’m not “kennst du eine, kennst du all…” and we “werden es nicht gut haben.” 

You broke me beyond repair. I trusted you with my fears and insecurities. I trusted you with who I’m… and you left me… without even an explanation….

While I couldn’t sleep and eat, couldn’t live… You’ve had the time of your life….  while I was fighting for you… you were avoiding me. 

And now, you’ve been doing everything you told me you don’t do anymore… You keep breaking my heart and soul all over again. Was anything you’ve told me true???

I’ve been doubting myself since… At some point you criticized everything about me from my love and grief for Wayne, my insecurities, even the colours I was wearing.

My favourite pink and blue outfit one of the first time I wore it a few years back

You started to break me while I was opening up to you… Were you trying to tame me? or to destroy me? 

There is much more written here, but I’m choosing not to share it… The only thing… Pieces of my heart are turning into a stone… and nobody will ever get near me… nobody will ever get to know me the way you did… because of how you destroyed me… 

xxxx

For every smart ass life coach and influencer: 

Unless you’ve been brutally broken as many times as I have been… Unless you’ve lost as many people as I have… Unless you fought for your life as many times as I have… 

KEEP YOUR ADVICE TO YOURSELF!!!!!!

xxxx

For you, my dear suffering friend,

Have a day. Do one thing from your To-Do list and remember, I’m proud of you! Just go through this day...

xxxx