August 19th'26

This past week was just... all over the place.. I had another panic attack ++ with complete uncontrollable crying and fear attacks.. I drunk half bottle of wine and got completely waisted... and wrote some ugly stuff to my ex... and blocked him... and fell asleep after 4times the dose of sleeping pills...

Next day... I wished I was dead... and then my landlord wrote me a message telling me that he needs my place starting winter... and some old bills came... and reminders of bills... I thought I paid everything..

Can I just leave?

xxxx

I've been contemplating a few options. And surprisingly, I'm not panicking... just calm... but not peaceful calm... more like bomb before exploding calm...

But for this week, I've been testing my idea and working on an App. I wrote some time ago that when I was really down, I would write down one thing I have to accomplish each day and a reward for the day. And finally, this week, I've got some really scary and uncomfortable things out of the way.

Today's one thing to do is: write a post for my blog. So here I am writing...

xxxx

In fact, I just wanted to tell you, YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE STRONG AND CAPABLE AND LOVED!!! Even if you don't believe it for now.

My demons

I'm learning that I cannot fight my demons. They always win. So I'm learning to live with them and love them. Maybe the broken me is the new me...

I read somewhere this quote:

-"How did you survive it?

-" I didn't. I'm somebody else...."

It felt right.