August 4th'26 Feels like FOREVER

It feels like forever since I wrote here. It's been a challenging winter season and the transition to a new job and back to Zermatt... I thought I could deal with that... Let me start all over again..

Winter was challenging and sort of soothing. I went back to Whistler. I used to live in Whistler. I have a lot of friends there; many of them I consider a family. They knew me for a long time. They reminded me who I really am deep down.

I'm a fighter. I'm a leader. I inspire.

Going up to my favourite spots

The work part was fun. I've always loved coaching skiing and showing my guys what they can do. Hm, I just remembered, One of my guys, John, said to me this winter:

"You know, we loved skiing with you because you made us believe we can do anything..."

Thank you, John, for your words. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded, who I was and who I still am.

xxxxx

On the other hand, the company that took over Whistler... well, I'm trying to find appropriate word... they suck... on sooooo many levels... I'll get to that another time.

xxxxx

I left Whistler with mixed feelings. I was still down and I guess my depression is now my closest friend... but I wasn't suicidal anymore. I wasn't wishing to die anymore. I was looking for other opportunities... and I chose to come back to Zermatt, the place I chose to make my home in 2017. The place I felt really genuinely happy for the first time in my life. The place I got crushed by the man I fell in love with...

I've been having mixed feelings about seeing him... It still hurts... the empty pain that doesn't go away.

I feel at peace when I'm high in the mountains. I'm getting back to painting. It took longer than I expected. I've been procrastinating for a long time. Feeling unable to do anything. Numbing my feelings with social media...

And then one evening a few weeks ago, I took my tent and sleeping bag and went high in the mountains to be alone and enjoy the sunset and sunrise...

... and I couldn't stay... I couldn't stay with my thoughts alone. They were devastating. I cried... and walked back to the valley...

xxxx

Now, I'm thinking about what to do. I had plans for this year. I'm letting myself down... again... You know all those smart ass well meaning comments about letting go and pulling yourself together? Had any of them work for you?

Don't take me wrong. I know they work for many people... They just don't work for me. I'm overthinker and overfeeler... When I say "I miss you," I mean: "I cannot live without you.." And when I wrote: "I love you!" I meant:"You are the only man in the universe I see and my own feelings are so intense, they are scaring me...You are my one and only..." You know, the fairytale kind of love... I might be broken and crazy, but I didn't want the average kind of love...

xxxxx

So now, I'm going back to work on my 3 step program and see if I can introduce it to you soon.