August 27th'26

It's R's birthday... I hope I won't message him this time... I just some of sooo happy pictures of them... It threw me into a panic attack. The only thing I felt was the numbing pain of emptiness and heartbeat faster than a sprint. As if it was just before finish line...

I've been exhausted. Haven't slept since the eclipse. Crying all over again. Having nightmares all over again.

xxxxx

You know, I miss the times when I used to laugh with my whole heart and soul... when I used to believe everything is possible... When... once upon a time...

Now, I'm planning my moving away once again and selling stuff. This time it will be for good. I cannot torture myself like this...

Few days ago, on my evening run, I ran into R and his C... and I didn't leave my house for 4 days... I was done... Panic attack after panic attack... Darkness after darkness...

And then, out of nowhere, one of my closest friends S messaged me. She is driving by next week, If she can stop by and stay for a few days... I cannot wait to see her... She'll know what to tell me. She was there the first time I got my heart broken...