June 5th'24 6am

It’s been almost a year since I started to fall into the deep depression. It’s been almost a year since the man I loved and needed left without an explanation. 

At times I felt I was getting better… Not now. These last few days have been hard. My emotions are going crazy. My thoughts are darker than ever. My anger is lashing out. My heart is turning to stone… My soul is bleeding as hard as ever. 

Do you feel like that sometimes? More than sometimes? What do you do when it happens?

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In last few months I relied on meditation on grieving and depression. It’s been helping a little… but… in the last few weeks, it all has been crumbling down again…

Any psychologist or even life coach would tell me, that healing is not a straight line. I know, that’s what healing looks like. I understand the theory. In real life, it’s exhausting, it's...

I’m trying to write here some smartass advice… Like, “Hey… try this and that. It’s 100% working… something like I wrote before… on some of the better days, like:

- go for a walk

- appreciate what you have…

- blah, blah, blah…

- bullshit… 

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The only thought that keeps running through my head is a passage from a book I read few years ago. It went something like this:

“Because not everybody can handle the ups and downs of a great love. Because this kind of love opens up everything about you. It gets into the deepest parts of your heart, into to the most sacred parts of your soul.

When this kind of love leaves, it destroys everything in its way. Very few people can hold the pain that comes with the great kind of love…”

The author described the love like the love between Heathcliff and Katherine in Wuthering Heights. 

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I’m still here trying to write something smart. It’s a lot of pressure. Everywhere I look, there are either happy succeeding people creating businesses, knowing exactly what to do with their lives, or happy couples holding hands, kissing for the perfect instagram pictures… And I feel I don’t belong anywhere. I feel like complete failure… I feel like I'm nothing...

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You know, I started 2 new habits:

• writing for 1 hour everyday

• painting

Writing with the goal of making a book out of my book. I set 3 goals for it. And these days it started to feel impossible to write about the progress I’m making… simply because it feels like I’m not making any progress.

Painting feels liberating. There are no expectations. I just paint my own feelings. It’s liberating in so many ways. It’s opening the parts of me I’ve been trying to hide. The pain I feel suddenly has colours and shapes. and it’s not what I thought it would be.

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I painted another one with bleeding heart. It just felt like bleeding on the paper. It feels like my own heart bleeding. 

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