June 4th'24

Hey you...

Are you still getting anxious and angry? I hear you… me too… :( Some days, I can feel the anger turning into a madness. I feel anxiety making my heart beat faster and faster speeding up into unbearable images and emotions… 

Does it sound familiar?

You know… I hate when people who have never lived through the hell of their own telling me that I just need to do this or that…. It’s like telling somebody with every bone in their body shattered to splinters to just walk it off… 

xxxx

Dearest Wayne,

I miss you.. I miss you dearly… I wish I could talked to you.

You not being here broke all the “put away for later feelings:”  Grief for my mom and my dad, grief for Greg, broken heart for people I trusted and did miracles for (I don’t want to use names here, it’s better this way).

I miss you reminding me I’m loved and there are people who wish to have me close by.  

I talk to Esta and Dawn. They know what to tell me. It helps me talking to them. 

But some days are bad. And at night I still cry myself to sleep… and then wake up in the middle of the night from my worst nightmares just to live through them all over again.

Miss you….

xxxx

I’m trying to work with my ANGER. I wish I had an easy explanation what to do and how to do that… Well, in fact it’s simple… or, it’s looks simple… 

- breathe… and focus on each breath like your life depends on it. The fact is, your life depends on it.

- try to take a step back from your anger - so it doesn’t take over everything loving and caring  and pure about you

- observe the pain, feel it, and try to go deeper to understand what is underneath the anger. Under my anger is the little girl scared as she’d never been; tears falling down her face like Shannon Waterfall after a winter season...

Shannon Falls

…. scared of being left all alone in the middle of the hell burning down… 

… screaming her lungs out… and every time I try to hug her and tell her she is safe and I’m here for her, she pushes me away. She doesn’t believe anymore. She doesn’t trust anymore. She’s been broken too many times…. 

That little girl is me… 

I’m sharing this personal nightmare with you. Please, don’t judge me. 

xxxx

I wrote in the Original just one sentence here:

“Great love comes with great pain.” 

I will just leave it here and come back to it later.

xxxxxx