June 3rd'24 6am

Hey you… 

How are you doing with your little routine?

I’ve done mine so far this morning. I even slept for a few hours. And I woke up into a panic attack. I meditated for 15 min trying to calm down. It didn’t work… just in case you were wondering. 

I’m mad at him for leaving when I needed him the most. He is sleeping while I’m crying into the pillow he slept on and falling deeper into depression. 

` He wants “to have it good with me” and while he’s happy I’m living my worst nightmares.

xxxx

NOW… I want to write something constructive… tears falling down my face… 

I don’t want to write about my anger. I can be the meanest person in the world when I’m mad. I usually turn this against me…. hurting myself, mentally and physically, scaring my heart and soul or what’s left of it… 

I know now, it’s trauma response so I’m learning to deal with it. 

Any psychologist would tell you to be kind to yourself…. etc. My psychologist friend suggested to me to honestly describe myself. Here is what I wrote:

• Mountaineer

• Ski coach

• Woman

• Entrepreneur

• Painter - I had to add this one recently. I started to paint my emotions and now, they are starting to get contours and deeper meaning.

xxxx

Yesterday, I was writing about redefining oneself. I think it’s one of the scariest things to do. Why? 

You need to find something to emerge yourself in and learn about it. If it’s a new thing it won’t be easy. Your family and friends might criticize you and laugh at you. That doesn’t help.

You need to find time and motivation to start it. You need to get supplies (e.g. my painting).

You need to allow yourself to fall and begin over and over again.

How can you do it?

Step 1: Find than one thing!

Ask yourself: What have I always wanted to do and never tried?

• running/getting in shape

• writing/reading

• painting (for me)

• playing piano/drums

• snowboarding

It has to be an activity you can do regularly. If it’s skiing or diving or something you can’t do on a regular basis it won’t work so well. Just put it on the list anyway. We can use it for a vacation inspiration later.

Step 2: What do I need for my new activity?

• new running shoes/ work out outfit?

• gym membership?

• painting and drawing supplies?

• notebooks and pens

• drum set/ piano?

• snowboard+boots

• lessons - online/ private/ group - pick one that works for you. For example, I don’t have steady schedule and I might be in the mountains for days at the time so I picked online video lessons with once a week/month one on one feedback and chat with the teacher.

Step 3: Find time in your schedule.

• set the time aside (I put it in my schedule as an appointment), e.g. 3x week - Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 7-8pm and Saturday 10-11am.

• prepare space for it: 

• park nearby for running

• check the gym in your neighbourhood 

• prepare a clean table to write or paint (I like writing while drinking my morning coffee so I wake up earlier - it became a ritual)

• prepare you painting supplies and put your first few strokes with that new brush on the canvas. If you are starting with painting like I did last year, start with the simplest paint and paper you can buy in a nearby shop. And use them right away. 

• find a space for your drums/piano, pick up the sticks, download and app and start right away. 

• plan winter holiday, where, when

• lessons - I’m a loner. And now, fighting my demons I wouldn’t be able to handle a group lesson, not eve a private lesson, so I chose one online course for drawing and painting and an App for piano playing

All these are just suggestions and examples - it’s me. Try to find your own ideas and ways. You can make it!! Just make the one small step!

You can do it!!!