June 1st'24 5am

I woke up at 3 am. Couldn’t sleep anymore. I felt despaired and angry and broken all over again… It’s almost a year since you left… with an excuse… You hoped, I was just another “kennst du eine, kennst du all…” You hoped, I’ll get over it and we can be friends… friends with benefits… you sure looked like that that was a good idea, when I said that…  

You wrote me I was mean when I called you “just another player and ass…. You made me mean… You destroyed everything good in me… I’m still bleeding… I’m still broken...

I’m back in the darkness. I’m being cruel to me… 

xxxx

I told you early on who I was. I’m not a half ass or lukewarm. I told you I was a long time alone. I told you, you were special to me. I told you I cared for you. I told you I’ll fight for you. I never though of you as of a nice guy. I though of you as kind and badass. You made me believe you cared… 

What broke me and breaks me again and again. After showing me your feelings… you made the decision to do something without me every day. You criticized me when I tried to grieve with you. You laughed at me  when I talked about my pains and insecurities. You criticized even the colours I was wearing. 

You decided to kill your feelings for me… and after reading what I wrote you after the day you left… you decided to ignore me… You decided to leave me without a word…. 

When we talked in October, I believed you wanted to give us a chance… I told you I was broken. You made it clear, I wasn’t worth fighting for, I wasn’t worth your time… I’ll never know what you really thought… 

I just know… you broke me like nobody ever before… You broke me beyond repair…

xxxxxx

Hey You!

I hope you slept better than me last night. I hope you are feeling better than me. I hope you will meet somebody today, who will make you smile… genuinely.

You know, I used to have a weekly planner with my routines in one of my journals and one of the things to write down every day was: One person who made me smile…. and right below: one person I made smile today…

I took it out last summer and I know, most of the time these days, when I smile, it’s jus the professional social face I put on to make people at ease around me. 

That’s one of the reasons I need to go for a run and cry. I need to let these emotions I pushed aside all day long out.

xxxx 

I learned about myself that I’m one of the “extra sensitive and empathetic people.” I can pick on your feelings the moment I walk pass you. I can make your uncomfortable feelings disappear. I can make you feel happy and cared for… I can make you feel good about yourself. All of that when I’m happy and not too emotionally involved. 

When I started falling in love… I picked up all of the feelings… and it made me insecure… and when you started to criticize me in those situations.. I started to be anxious and stopped talking. 

I know there are way to overcome all this and, normally, I can do them… I could do them.. last year… before I knew you… with you, I became vulnerable… and for the first time in my life, I needed someone.. I needed you… 

Now, I just feel useless waisting away days, weeks and months. I feel like I’m fighting the biggest fight with my demons… a fight I cannot win… 

As I’m writing this, I’m scared of putting these words on paper… I’m scared of me and my demos… 

xxxx

Sometimes, I have flashbacks from the times I was happy… genuinely happy… when I laughed… I was supportive and helpful. I could set my boundaries … I could sleep and eat… 

Imagine, I could lie down and fall asleep in 5 minutes… and wake up in the morning fresh and ready to go… Imagine that you did that too… 

Now… I’m writing a book about depression and I’m crying at a slightest emotion… Now… I’m doubting everything in my life… Now… I’m pushing away everybody who tries to get anywhere near me… Now… I’m just a shadow…

I’m trusting you with these words. I hope they will help you… I hope, you can use them to feel a bit better. If you are feeling down, please remember, I’m here for you and I understand how you feel.

xxxx

You know, I decided to write everyday for one hour. And today it felt like hell… living through the same feelings and nightmares over and over again… The feeling that I’m not worth anything… 

Crying faces I've been drawing and painting for a year...

xxxxx