December 8th'25 Whistler

Hey you,

I've been here for a week. I've been hoping for a change of perspective or at least some peace.

I'm loosing myself in a certain way. I don't feel anything. It's becoming quiet inside me. I still cried while running yesterday.

You know, I'm scared of the change in me. I'm scared that I will loose all the feelings I've fought to hold on to. (i'm sure this sentence doesn't make sense and I might retype it later but for now on, it's all I've got.)

I skied for a few days. The snow is so nice. It's so good to ski powder and bumps and have the typical Whistler visibility...

I've been planning my 2025-26 winter:

• working on getting as fit as I've ever been

• writing my blog (book)

• drawing and learning how to draw with chalk

• learning Russian and planning my trip to Russia next May

• skiing and hanging out only with people I like

Sounds pretty simple, right?

At the same time, I'm working on replacing some bad habits with better ones. I don't know about you, but I really got hook on just scrolling on my phone. I spent some great days just avoiding everybody and just watching useless videos... Just to avoid the reality of my darkness. I read in several books on psychology, it's my reaction to all the grief and negative feelings I've been bottling up for decades. I knew that but didn't have the strength to act on it.

Now and here, I'm making myself to do so.

I'm back with some of my routines:

• wake up and clean up

• 20 min work out and meditation

• drink big cup of hot water and another big cup of hot water with chia seeds and lemon while working out

• write for 20 minutes and draw for another 20 minutes while drinking green tea and black coffee

• pack breakfast and lunch, eat banana

• out of the door and run the 6km from my house to Whistler village

• ski or skimo

• climb/boulder

• run home

• evening reading and drawing or colouring

I'm not leaving much time and space for thinking. I'm doing exactly the things I came here to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I'm writing all this to give you ideas. To inspire you to change something in your life. And I want to tell you I'm proud of you! You made it this far!

xxxxx