May 23rd’24 5.45am Zermatt

I slept most of the night…. Dreamed about you… 

I woke up with a new determination today…

Already did all my work outs, bike and meditation on depression and emotions

… and made myself a green tea and coffee and I'm already writing…

I wish I could sleep like this and be this motivated every day… 

… but how was it?

Motivation comes and goes…

Emotions come and go…

Habits stay…

… so… I’m creating habits…

It’s day 11 to write for me everyday for an hour… That wasn’t that difficult… 

xxxx

I’m sure many of these pages won’t make it into the final book… They are just all over the same … just like my emotions…

And habits you can create even deeply depressed… 

That’s what I’m working on… That’s what you want to work on… Let’s see what we can accomplish!

Let’s see what we have accomplished yesterday… 

TO-DOs:

- morning routine ✔︎ done

- morning writing ✔︎ 1 hour 30 min morning, 30 min afternoon

- mountaineering w Katharina ✔︎

- painting ✔︎ started a new A3

- eve routine ✔︎

- eve reading ✔︎ 30 min

I fulfilled each TO-DO…

You know, how I tell you, I’m proud of you? I mean it. It’s sincere and genuine… I cannot say it to myself…

xxxx

When I started my online coaching, I put together a picture frame with a few motivational thoughts. One of the pictures is a photo of me when I was about 4 or 5. I’m wearing a yellow t-shirt with a colourful motive and a red skirt with flowers in that picture… I remember I loved that outfit… My mom was persuading me everyday NOT TO WEAR it to day care. It was too colourful and bright for that era… I still wore it… 

I put that picture in my motivational frame to remind myself everyday that I owe this little girl to fulfil her dreams….

I owe her much more… Already in that picture I knew I loved colours and I don’t mind standing out… Around that time I fell in love with mountains… They gave me strength through rough times… they saw me laugh… they saw me cry… they were here for me when everybody left… they have been here for me the entire last year…

xxxx

Have you love something as a child? What was it? Can you get back to it?

Have you tried yet?

I used to emerge myself into reading. I would read everything. Local library was my second favourite place. It was quiet in there and the smell… smell of books…

I have a life long obsession with books. I donated my library several times. Now, I wish I kept them, at least some of them. I wrote notes in some of them and I hate writing in books, I’d rather write in several notebooks. I started to buy e-books. It’s not the same. 

xxxxx

I still have my very first book I’ve read… It’s a Russian fairytale about a bunny and a fox. My mom used to read it to me as a good night story. She was so tired she would fall asleep while reading it. “Mom… Mom… Wake up… You’re reading to me…” I kept waking her up until she finished the story… twice… every night…

I promised her, when I learn how to read I will read it to her before bed time. I held that promise… I read her the story… and kept waking her up… “Mom… Mom… Wake up…. I’m reading to you… “

If you think, kids forget the little things… think again… 

My favourite kid's book

xxxxx

Let’s find out what puts a little smile on your face, even if only for a moment… You can do it!!!

xxxx

I have to admit something to you. It’s easy to be the one with all good tips and ideas… We all know that…

It’s the hardest part to follow the tips and ideas…. specially, when the motivation from the first few days wears off…

I wrote earlier, I was a very good coach… How do I know it? I could follow my own routines and training programs… and I’m my most stubborn trainee… 

… and I’ve had some of the best coaches coaching me!

… and then… life broke me… everything fell apart… I couldn’t even get out of my bed… and when everything was falling apart, I lost the man I love…

I pushed my friends out of my life because I didn’t want to hurt them. I shut down my business because I couldn’t lead by example. I couldn’t follow my routines anymore. I fell into the deep depression. I wouldn’t talk to people for days. I wouldn’t go outside on sunny days. I hated seeing happy people. I envied them. 

At some point I got back to running even thought it was more crawling around, collapsing and crying myself to exhaustion… and it was at night. I couldn’t bare to see people…

I still feel this way… maybe not as intense… but still…

I’ve always been a loner… “Lone wolf… “

I was criticized for that a lot… The last time I heard it, it broke my heart and soul. That time I was trying to explain who I’m and what I need. I was shut up with whose words… My world collapsed… on one simple sentence… from the man I NEEDED the most… from you, dead R...

I underlined NEEDED…  I never NEEDED anybody in my life before like I NEEDED YOU then. I begged you to stay. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I still don’t. It’s still breaking me…

xxxx